THE EPITAPH

10 Things I wish I had said to specific people…at various points in my life….(you cannot take names!..)


I had never acknowledged it. I had never known to acknowledge. Or perhaps I was living in denial while it lasted. But maybe the first instance of love in my life was with you. I detest the day you were taken away from me…and I have never cried ever since…now that many years have gone by… and you are no more to be… I still remember you…. You’re my first find….and my first loss! I shall keep you and remember you…hoping that you will come back to me one day but knowing that you wont…

You’re a bastard and you know it better than I do. I am glad…I never kissed u back!

There is no secret handshake to me… there is an ultimate pre-requisite but no secret handshake! Now that I have said it. You should know.

Don’t go away… though I may never come to say it… though I may wave to you good bye…if you choose to leave… but don’t go away..

I will take care of you!.. And isn’t that something I have always done?… then why are you still so afraid. Trust me if you truly can.. it is not an obligation. It’s a choice.. an involuntary choice. And I will choose you over anyone else!

Get over me…. don’t make me your sob story to gain sympathy or make me feel bad about myself!…the truth is you despise me. You always have. But now you cant hide it. I can smell the stench. If I have wronged you…. Then maybe you deserved it!

You are the most remarkable young woman I have ever seen or known. More than anything…I deeply respect you for who you are. If only you believed me… if only you believed me this one time…. Like you do for everything else. I cannot see you like this. You should know. I cannot see you like this. Listen to me. Believe me. If only….

Your shallow. You’re uncouth and ugly. There is nothing you hate or love because you cannot tell between the two. You’re too thick to know the difference. The only thing your good at is lying. And lying blatantly. I have no issues with what you are personally. But stop dragging me to your level. It enrages me more than anything else. I am not like you!. Get that straight!

Stop! Just put an end to it right now! No I cannot reciprocate. I don’t love you! I don’t want to lie to you either.

I really don’t know…. What were you getting at?… what do you try to say each time we speak to each other? I feel this… this extraordinary sense of love and you fill in most parts! But there is this strange divide that keeps me from you and you from me. I really do not know what is it all about!… I cannot deal with it..and I cannot let it be either.

DARK GLASSES

Slip into that favourite cocktail dress of yours, once again
Don the jewels that match your emerald eyes,
Puff some rouse and colour those cheeks with splendour
Fair maiden, you look lovely tonight.

Slip into that favourite cocktail dress of yours, once again
Go dancing in the winter rain with charming men by your side
As your high heeled shoes twirl in twirls round the night
And your hair runs loose from its gaited might…
Watch the eyes that follow them, hear the hearts which beat..
Fair maiden, you look lovely tonight.

Slip into that favourite cocktail dress of yours, once again
The rum looks fine and nice for a lady’s taste
Hold your glass firm and high and Raise a toast to Love and Life.
Though love sickens and life dampens by the day
Fair Maiden they are hidden from your sight.

As wit and humour befail the charming men
As the night progresses into the hollow depth of the night
You sit by the bar; you laugh at all the silly jokes you hear…
And soon its time for the last dance of the year.
As your high heeled shoes twirl in twirls round the night
And your hair runs wild from its gaited might…
Watch your eyes, they droop.. as the kohl melts away
Watch the pallor reappear on your roused skin
Look around you and see those vile men who on New Year’s Eve boasted of their vain love
Lye wasted and drunk…calling on to other women.

Slip into that favourite cocktail dress of yours, once again
You look lovely as you did in all the other lovely nights…
As love sickens and life dampens by the day
Fair maiden, wear your pair of dark glasses again
And Let them be hidden from your sight….

Nonsense’s Muse.

When your heart is empty, your head is empty!… The proverbial cliché inspite of being such a cliché is so darn true! When heart’s empty every thing else is meaningless.
This is not a night of bliss, I am not at peace.
I had a rough day, had a fight with my parents, a cold discussion with a Luke warm acquaintance, struggled my way through crowded trains and buses and the rains added on to make matters worse.
The events of the day have caused me to become refractory and annoyed, I argued, I fought and I complained. Life isn’t fair, there is no acceptance and there is no complacence, I said. But what I face now is a trouble greater than all, the most difficult and distressing..
What I face now is the very dreaded writer’s block, which is again if I am a writer. Considering the fact that my writing has not exactly eulogised nature’s beauty or the futility of human relationships, banished hunger and poverty or changed the world. Neither am I sure whether all writing is intended for that solely. However, though not of the latter but I am sure of it being a block of sorts. See, the thing with me is that I have always had words with me to an extent that I overused them sometimes. Every emotion brought along a splurge of words to describe it. Words were my only folly and in them was my respite.
But today is not like all those days. It seems as if a niche hole has been carved out in my heart and soul and I can clearly look through. Thoughts have not ceased but thinking with words has. So however gravely I feel like expressing my dejection today, I cannot. For some obscure, vague reason, I am not being able to. It’s like going for a funeral of your closest friend and realising that your tears are stuck. They have refrained from flowing and you cannot express your grief. And trust me its worse than the loss by death.
Am I turning into an intellectual lightweight? Or was I always one? Or is this what they call a block? although I don’t trust what ‘they’ say in the first place.
This is all very paralysing. It’s a strange confinement. I feel entrapped within myself. The inability to write, to be inspired to write, to be moved enough to be inspired makes me feel very…. Inadequate. And I hope it changes soon. Changes for good.
I think we all need a Muse, a prompt that stirs you and stirs in you…. Words otherwise are a façade only and the bubble might burst any moment.

Imagine a night, a night sky and a night sky dotted with stars.
Imagine looking at the starry, bright lights in the sky…
And you stare at it fixedly, mesmerised yet again…
Quizzing through all the words in your mind, all the words you have ever known, ever learnt, to find the exact one which accurately describes what you feel right now.
And you can’t find it, cant think of it, as always.
The wonder of it all amazes you, and you are lost before you know
Tracing the trails of the stars and your thoughts that follow.

Whenever, I think of Life as an entity and have this sudden urge to sum it all up and to reason it. All heaven and earth, happiness and grief, success and failure, good and bad, war and peace, the rich and the poor, love, hatred and me…. how it all fits and how do I fit in it…this is how I can think of.
Life is like looking at the night sky, seeing the fireworks and watching the great thunder dragons unroll in front of you…
The way you cannot reason its magnificence, you cannot reason your life as well, the wonder and the thrill that it incites in you…. Life does to you the same…

THE VERVE......

I have arrived…
Rather, reached…
I can see where it ends now…
I can see the end…
No, it isn’t where I began
Life hasn’t moved in a circle…
A quest you see was not my purpose…
All I saw was a long road ahead of me..
And I took to the road…
I walked it….
There are a million things I had seen,
A million things I have known…
Yet there are questions in my mind….
And I wonder till the day…

There are a million things I had wished for
A million wishes came true…
Some didn’t
Yet I haven’t given up on wishing…
There are things to wish for even today…

I am neither cold nor warm…
I am alone but not lonesome…
I am not the wisest that ever existed..
I don’t feel foolish either..

Life doesn’t seem insatiable
It seems fulfilled…
It feels complete…
I never got to know what it was all about…
But I lived it never the less
And I must say… I lived it well

I can see the end now
It isn’t familiar…
It isn’t home…
But I can see where it ends now…
I can feel what is felt…


A quest you see was not my purpose…
All I saw was a long road ahead of me.
And I took to the road…
I walked it all the way.

There’s a thought for every thought
A word for every word…

There’s a song for New found love
A song for separation…

There’s a story behind each new story
There’s an end that ends every tale…

There are superlatives to describe all passion..
Bob Dylan to speak about the blues….

But the reason why I was born
Is unknown to me…
And loving the lady I am born from
Is infact a greater mystery…

I wonder what it must have felt like to held by her for the first time..
Somewhere deep within my nascent senses and my newly born perception and abilities…. I must have felt something……
When I was born, a mother, in her was born too.
I wonder how she felt
I wonder how it made her look that first instant..
For a young woman who took life as an adventure
Was I a much desired end or the new beginning..
Was she overwhelmed? Was she scared? Was she prepared?
Can you ever prepare yourself for the first glance of motherhood?
What was it, how was it…. I shall never know.

But that moment isn’t lost… perhaps its safer in obscurity..
Just some part of Maa and myself that I cannot reach….I cannot know…
And thus I cannot change…
Love you Maa hopefully just as much as u love me..

To Maa, who taught me not to sleep hind side up, lest I get bad dreams…
I never corrected that habit..She loved me never the less…..